In this season that I'm in, I'm really an open book. The things I was once afraid to say and share are now the things that I use to help someone else. While I never considered myself to be a private person, I never wanted for anyone to judge me so I kept certain things to myself. Like the way I truly feel about becoming a young mother at the age of 22. Usually I'd give a disclaimer for the things I'm about to say but this isn't one of those posts.
Becoming a mother wasn't anything like those beautiful Youtube video videos and blogpost's you see when a first time mom shares her birth story with the world. It wasn't filled with joy and happy tears. At least that's my truth. Honestly, I was just doing what i felt was best. But I wasn't ready. I used to say that nobody is ever "really ready" to become a mom because it's a never ending sacrifice no matter where you are in your life. Whether you're extremely wealthy or barely making it, married or single, raise your children alone or have the help of a tribe--it's hard! Social media sensationalizes young motherhood which cute matching outfits and the hashtag #mommyandme and while it's cute, my mind never really grasped the concept of enjoying the blessing God gave me within motherhood.
At the beginning it was quite easy. I didn't mind giving up things for my daughter because I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. Her father and I worked well together and we kept our family at the forefront of our vision. It wasn't until I wanted more for myself that things changed. I was ready to get back to enjoying my life and my daughter didn't make that easy for me. I always had to think about her. Nothing was about me anymore. I could only tell her to "wait a minute" so many times before what she was asking me for began to seem like negligence. Anytime she needed me while I was "busy" made me hate my life more and more. (Feel free to judge me now, I don't care.) I was working jobs that I hated, in a relationship that I had outgrown, not making enough money and just didn't see my life going in the direction of the dreams that fueled me. I was good at what I did, but I couldn't have "my time" to myself because I had a baby.
Yes it was my choice and I know I did the right thing by bringing her into this world, but I still had a wide range of mixed feelings about how my life would end up. Would I become the person that I knew I was destined to be? Would I end up just getting a job and putting my dreams to the side like so many other young moms have done? What about me? Me, me, me! It wasn't until I got back to doing me and felt good doing it that everything came to a screeching hault and I had no choice but to sit and think. I prayed a very vague prayer. That was to "become a better mother". O realized that the way I felt about motherhood wasn't okay. I realized that I was the problem and there were young mothers out there who had it just as hard as myself, but they enjoyed their lives. They cherished the gift God gave them (Yes, children are a gift from God.) and didn't take it for granted like I did.
It was after praying that prayer that God began to show me who I was and what I needed to change. The main thing being my perspective. It became important that I changed how I viewed motherhood. Here was this beautiful, amazing, kind, giving and talented big burst of personality that God gave me; and I didn't see just how blessed I truly was and still am. God shifted my thinking all the way around. I began to think differently. Instead of focusing on what I was missing, I began to focus more on what she would be missing if I didn't put her first. As mothers, we focus so much on money in order to buy things for our kids "look good" for nothing. We worry more about their exterior than the interior. Children don't know that they're poor. All they want is love and attention. I began to think more about the person I wanted her to become verses who I wanted to become. The gag is, I become who I God wants me (which is better than my ideal) to be along the way anyway. I began to notice a shift in my life and in my daughter when I did well with what He trusted me with. My daughter.
I still don't view motherhood as an easy task. I'll forever be on mommy duty until the day that I perish. However, I've learned to be more patient and to enjoy the journey. I don't separate myself from my feelings and I certainly don't regret my soon-to-be five year old baby girl. She is everything. Literally! lol...(If you know her, you know what I mean.) This is my truth and through this post, I hope that you're able to connect with your feelings. Motherhood is such an amazing position to have. We have the opportunity to create and further this world through little human beings. Motherhood an assignment. Everyone is not able to carry out this particular assignment and some have to go through trying situations in order to have the opportunity that some of us were fortunate to have effortlessly.
Share your motherly truths with me in the comments below. I'm sure some (not everyone) could relate to being a mommy in distress. No matter your age or economic status, it is truly a test. Yet, it is conversations and blog posts like these, real topics that need to be talked about-which helps us to move forward and find hope within our adventures. Comment below and lets get a conversation flowing.